WOW I SURE AM POOPED

That title about sums it all up folks. I hear the first few weeks/months are the hardest ...quite like having an infant ....or three. Wow.

My neck and back are blown out as of today and since we don't carry any pain killers in the house I had to wait until Rob came home from work before I could get any relief. I would be hard pressed to find a time I was in more pain, labour perhaps, or maybe not, maybe today was the worst. After all I never cried during labour. Not for any of the three. Today I hobbled into the shower and had myself a good cry. I am pretty sure it had to do with more than just physical pain.

All of you just starting the adoption process - keep at it. I am not trying to discourage anyone. I certainly do not want to discourage anyone from older child adoption either. Nothing about the past couple of weeks has been unexpected or a surprise. You can read as much as you want but until you see things, experience things first hand it can never be fully understood.

My kids have been through a lot. Grief, loss, abandonment, malnourishment, institutionalized care, living through a massive earthquake that crumbles your Country from which you then so quickly depart. Then suddenly living in a new Country with strange things like escalators and high rise buildings and then there is that new "family" who act like you are familiar and like you belong, who speak English and who look so different from you and have all sorts of weird rules - it is tough. Even as an adult I think I might throw down a fit. Feel overwhelmed. Cry for hours. It is hard to process too when you are young, when there is no common language spoken so an adult can talk you through it. Imagine trying to navigating these emotions and there must be so much that is missing in the processing of it all so everything is just crash and burn. Or it feels that way anyways.

Then there are all those damn NOs all the time getting in the way of any fun.

No you cannot hit. No you cannot swing from the oven door like a monkey. No you cannot reach into the frying pan. No you cannot grab that piece of food off your neighbours plate. No you cannot pee on the floor. No you cannot pee in the tub. No you cannot rip pictures up from our photo album. No you cannot bite people. No you cannot stand up on a chair to eat. No you cannot roll on the ground to eat. No you cannot touch the woodstove. No you cannot throw things in the fire. No you cannot melt things on top of the woodstove. No you cannot bite the legs off stuffed animals. No you cannot climb into the fish tank. No you cannot feed the fish a full handful of fish food. No you cannot put your pencil shavings into the fish food container. No your mouth is not a good place for loose change or any other small objects you find around the house. No you cannot stick a fork in there. No you cannot hit the front of the flat screened TV with a pencil/finger/palm/toy/DVD when you see something that excites/angers/bores you. No that cannot be flushed down the toilet. No acctually that should have been flushed down the toilet. Nope. No you cannot. Not that either. Before you have an idea to act on anything just think NO because that is probably what I am going to say when you go to do it.

But there is a flip side. YES you can have a deep bear hug whenever you wish. YES I think you are such a smart girl/boy. YES I will dance to music with you. YES I will sing American Idol Karaoke with you but you also have to allow me to blare Modest Mouse while I am making you lunch. YES I will make you MACARONI with CHUCK CHUCK (ketchup). YES you can have seconds, thirds, fourths and whatever it takes to fill you up. YES I think you are hilarious. YES I love doing your hair. YES I will clean your peed in sheets without a complaint. YES when your Papa comes home I will tell him all the cute things you said and did to make me laugh today. YES I think you are amazing in your strength and resilience. YES I understand when you won't look at me for hours that it is not me per se that makes you so angry and I will wait until you are ready to talk to me again and not take it personally. YES when you spaz on the floor I will put you in your blanket and turn you into a little jelly roll and rock you until you stop crying that god awful cry that sounds more vulnerable than an infants wailing. YES I will tuck you in bed at night and snuggle you. YES it makes my heart swell in pride when I see how much you have progressed. YES I will be strict with you but it is only because I care and want you to grow up to be happy and functioning adult and know that someone loves you enough to follow through. YES I will register you for school when you ask because YES maybe you should go to school. YES. Sounds good to me. YES I know you are scared that I will not always be there for you - it is obvious in most things you do. YES this is your forever home - so if you bust the one and only TV you are shit out of luck because I am not buying a new one anytime soon. YES I love you dearly and no matter what you say or do I will never ever stop loving you.

YES my love for you is unconditional and without end. I will never leave you ma cherie dodo monkey kaka monkey merci.